The Emotionally Intelligent Coach

I Don't Wanna!

How often do our clients say this? How often do we say it to ourselves? Colleague Ann Fry wrote this after a conversation we had one morning when we were supposed to be working on a project. The original project - fantastic Spa Retreats - will still come to fruition, albeit a bit later, and the constructive whining actually moved us forward in a new direction.

No, in the long run, whining does not serve us. Yes, I do believe in constructive whining - if you take the time to move your - or your client's - energy away from that whiney spot into action. What do I mean by this? Acknowledge the backsliding, whining, whatever and mine that for information. Donna Karlin's recent post containing Bob Parson's 16 Rules contains 3 rules of her own:

Get the job done •Recognize feelings, issues and circumstances that might stand in the way •Rule 3 is Rule 2 NEVER gets in the way of Rule 1

I submit that "listen to the whine" epitomizes those three rules. Yes, I know that others will call this going to the dark place or dwelling on the negative or sending out the wrong energy. Donna and I have discussed elsewhere that there is no light without darkness. I contend that it's not so much where you go, but where you live.

Use the whine!!!! How?

1. Exaggerate.
There's an old exercise, "And then?" Take every negative and really catastrophize.
I don't want to stay on my diet. So, if you don't, and then?
I would gain weight. And then?
My clothes wouldn't fit. And then?
I'd have to buy ugly, huge things. And then?
I'd never want to leave my house again. And then?
I'd become a total recluse.
Etc. etc. etc.
This always ends with a shift - laughter, a change of heart, an action plan.

2. Go for the feelings.
Uncover the emotional blocks to action. Once brought into the light of day, these often simply evaporate. Or at least point out a direction for further work.

3. Break down the process.
I diet one meal at a time - not even one day at a time. That's exactly how much I can handle. I often challenge stuck clients to cut down their to-do list to no more that two items - one project-related, one personal.

4. Laugh - a lot.
Laugh at yourself. Encourage your clients to laugh at themselves. Laughter moves mountains.

Ann and I are going to create some calls to whine on. Bring your sense of humor and be prepared to get unstuck!

Don't Speak Right Up!

Recently, I had the experience of spending time with someone who was never silent and never felt heard. It got me thinking about what I bring to conversations. For me, there's always a bit of a dichotomy between being an introvert who needs a bit of time to think before uttering an opinion and being a trainer and a New Yorker (of Italian descent too) who jumps right in and frequently talks over people. This state of affairs tires out the introvert and often leaves me feeling ignored or discounted. It finally occurs to me that who I bring to a conversation influences how I am present in that conversation.

Huh? What does she mean by that??? It seems to be true that the louder you get and the longer you talk and the more often you interrupt, the less likely you are to have anyone actually hear what you have to say. Silence adds a great deal to any conversation. Thoughtful reflection allows the time to digest the thoughts and ideas of your conversational partners and to add something of value.

So, for the next few weeks, I'm going to practice waiting and absorbing. Early evidence tells me that I'll be a lot less tired. I can be animated and full of gestures and perhaps even occasionally long-winded and adamant when I have the floor - and be all the more effective for not needing the spotlight the whole time.

Listening. Absorbing. Thinking. How hard it is sometimes to make room for these things in our discourse. Try it on for size.

Don't speak right up.

Coaching Calm

Help! The holidays are upon us! Why is it that the first bite of Thanksgiving turkey, far from inducing a tryptophene lull, stirs a variety of anxieties in so many people? Are the cards finished? Is the shopping done? Cookies made? How will I get it all done? Where is that perfect gift?

If you've seen any of the TV coverage of Black Friday, that infamous shopping day, you too may have cringed at people getting up at 5 AM to stand on line or to fight over a much-prized item. If you stayed out of the fray, you may be feeling regrets. If you were there, it may be fatigue and frustration. You may have already overdosed on Santa and carols.

What a good time to help our clients - and ourselves - remember about getting centered and calm. The first emotional intelligence competency is self-awareness. How are you creating holiday awareness? How much of your own self is wrapped up in tinsel and trimmings? What a good time to go back to a very basic exercise. Stop. Be still. Let your thoughts parade past like so many cars on a nighttime highway. Notice the space between tail lights. Focus on the space. Enter that space. Find the peace in the gap between your thoughts. Find your whole, perfect self.

Create peace in yourself to create peace in the world.

Have a perfect holiday for your perfect self.

Travelocity's Unfriendly Gnomes

I booked a flight to Portland, Maine on Travelocity about a week ago. I requested a PM flight, and when the list came up showing a 6:40 flight, I was delighted, booked, paid, exited and thought nothing of it. Well, I should have thought twice. And read more carefully, as it turns out. The flight was NOT 6:40 PM but 6:40 AM. Since my conference ends at 1:00 PM, that won't work for me.

I called Travelocity, explained that this was clearly some sort of systems issue, and attempted to get them to rebook the flight at no additional cost to me. The customer service rep. said no. His supervisor said no. HIS supervisor said no. And told me it would cost me $130 to re-book a $147 flight. So, I called US Airways. The customer service rep. said no. His supervisor said no, but it would only cost me $100 to re-book.

Now, I understand that the airlines have rules. And Travelocity has rules. And I should have read more carefully. But I think that Travelocity could have taken even the tiniest amount of responsibility for the situation. If you ask for a specific time frame, you do not expect the first flight listed to be in a totally different time frame,

My real issue, however, is not the lost money (although I'm not happy about it) but rather the attitude with which I was treated by each of the five people I spoke with. Each and every one of them took considerable time and great pains to tell me exactly why this was all my fault. They didn't stick to "we're so sorry this happened, but we are unable to waive the change fee." No! Each one of them made sure that I knew that this was all my fault and exactly how I had brought this on myself.

Travelocity said:

"If you'd called within 24 hours, we could have fixed this," I was told. "It's your fault for not calling sooner."

"You should have checked the time more carefully. You must have looked at the display by price, not time."

"It was your error. Our system is never wrong."

US Airways said:

"You should have read the terms." (I had - but I still contend that this was a Travelocity error, not some whim on my part.)

When the supervisor echoed this sentiment, I told her that, while I understood that she had to hold to policy, I didn't think it was necessary for her to rub my nose in it. She assured me that I was completely wrong and that was not what she was doing. Then, despite my correcting her spelling of my email address twice, she proceeded to send the confirmation to dr.susan@lise-workcoach.com. This is after three rounds of "f as in Frank, not s as in Sally. Of course, when I called to inquire about the missing email, the customer service rep. told me - of course - that I had given them the wrong information.

OK - so the lessons for me are:

1. check everything at least twice before clicking confirm.

2. Never ever ever do business with Travelocity again.

3. Don't fly US Airways.

4. Tell as many people as possible about the lack of anything resembling emotional intelligence in Travelocity's customer service staff.

We all need to give bad news from time to time, but it's possible to frame it appropriately. Someone once defined an emotionally intelligent boss as someone who could fire you and have you leave their office feeling as if you'd just been given a huge gift. That's certainly not all there is to emotional intelligence, but it does get to the heart of emotional awareness. If you know that you are about to cause distress, find a way to deliver the information as cleanly as possible. Don't seek to place blame. Remain neutral. Display a bit of sympathy as you enforce that difficult policy. Had any one along the way don this, I would have walked away from the experience kicking myself for not having been more careful but not angry at the vendors.

Oh, well, it could be worse. I could have been trying to cancel an AOL account!

Greenmarket in the Rain

I guess you see what you look for. I've been seeing a lot of great examples of emotionally intelligent behavior lately and love seeing all this evidence of how contagious and meaningful a little bit of extra effort can be.

It's gloomy outside. It was raining and it will be raining and raining and raining. It might stop around Thursday (this is Saturday). Or not. It's also the perfect time for fresh, locally grown strawberries and zucchini blossoms. Ready for a marvelous rainy-day culinary experience, I grabbed the umbrella, poncho, and a couple of water-proof carryalls and headed off to Union Square early enough to be ogling produce with the chefs.

The weather was depressing, and the atmosphere was exactly the opposite. The farmers-growers-producers were delightfully upbeat. They were delighted to see us, and as the drizzle had thinned the crowd, there was time for a little extra conversation.

My first stop at Blue Moon Fresh Fish, of Mattituck, NY, tried my patience a bit. The young woman was clearly new to the world of fish and was having a hard time figuring out which was the flounder. By then, she'd forgotten what I'd asked for. I was about to turn away in frustration, but did a complete spin, put on my best smile, and explained carefully. I was rewarded with the look of relief that crossed her face and the smile that she returned. A reminder that we in the EI business need to practice what we teach!

I moved on to the Rocking Horse farm - I may not have the name right - where all manner of microproduce was on display. A chef from Jean-Georges was munching on French petite pois and was given a bagful to snack on on her way back to the restaurant.

Finally, I stopped at Coach Farms for a piece of triple cream goat cheese to go with my zucchini blossoms. The man behind the counter was all but dancing in the rain. He told me that it was a wonderful day and that he was excited about being at the market. He might not do as much business as some days, but the regulars would all be out. He then told me the best story about loyalty and getting back what you put out there.

One weekend, he told me, they decided to show up despite the blizzard and frigid conditions. Many of the other vendors slept in. The Coach Farms folks spent the day with their hindquarters as close to the heaters as possible. Their total take for the day was about 1/4 of what it was on their best day. But, he told me, it was a great day! Why? Because the regulars came - and they said, "We knew you'd be here!" Customers stayed to chat a bit. They brought coffee and asked if anyone needed anything else. They had a great time.

This morning's market captured a little bit of that blizzard spirit. And it reminded me what happens when we remember to smile and to look out for each other.

Emotional Intelligence at the Clearwater Festival

Two whole days out in the sun in an open field amidst a crowd is generally more than I can stand. Two hour is more like my limit. Yet, the Clearwater Festival calls to me every year. I happily sit on the lawn singing along with my brothers and sisters. I cheerfully board the little yellow school bus to travel from and to the train station. I que up for food, for Port-a-Sans, for free samples. And I love every minute of it.

Why? Because of the care - and, yes - the emotional intelligence that goes into this festival. The consideration shown by the designers and the thousand volunteers is contagious. People invite strangers to squeeze onto their blankets. Smokers are virtually non-existent. If you ask someone if they can be just a bit quieter so that you can hear the music better, they comply. In fact, one of the performers commented from the stage that this is one of the few concert venues where you can actually do a quiet song.

I've been going to Clearwater off and on since the first festival - this weekend was the 40th anniversary - and the environment keeps getting better. Volunteers are everywhere. There's always someone to answer a question.

The festival is fully accessible to every limitation. Special vans transport those in wheelchairs. Someone signs from every stage - and there's a booth for information with ASL staff as well. Areas near the stage are reserved for hearing and visually impaired guests.

The festival is family-friendly. There are many activities for children, including a playground and a story stage. Almost every taste is also accounted for. Tasty vegan options are available at the food court amidst equally excellent junk food. There are plenty of picnic tables and people actually strike up conversations while waiting on line.

Not only are garbage cans emptied hourly, but a giant truck comes around to clean out the portable potties! (Which, by the way, actually have a hook for your bag, ample supplies of paper and portable sinks complete with soap and towels.)

What's important about all this? People are fond of quoting Gandhi - be the change you want to see in the world - but not so many people are living that quote. The organizers of Clearwater follow through. They create a warm, caring environmentally-friendly atmosphere where political activists, environmentalists, geriatric folk singers and fans and people who just want a great day in the park can all come together, enjoy the day and appreciate each other.

What environment does each of us create every day?

Get Out of Your Own Way

That's the title of Robert K. Cooper's latest book. I'm working my way through this slowly, taking time to think about the content and practice what I'm reading. Right now, I'm thinking about goals and Cooper's notion of Open Space Goals.

Goals can be tricky things. Some experts say that the only way to get ahead is to have specific, measurable goals. Another advocates ditching goals altogether. Yet another focuses on intentions. Cooper does a nice job of resolving this issue by setting up a continuum.

Most people don't get very far, he says, because their goals are too narrow. He calls the first level of goals "stop goals."  You're familiar with these - I'm going to stop spending and zero out my credit card balances; I'm going to stop eating. These are limiting because there's no new state. Once you've accomplished the goal, what's Next?

Usual goals have outcomes, but are still very limiting. If your goal is to save $1,000, what comes next? The solution? Think of some sort of stretch goals - often called Big Hairy Audacious Goals - that leaves you plenty of room to grow. Cooper contends that this is not enough either and can still be limiting. Get thin ... win the marathon ... become a multimillionaire .... These all sound good, don't they? These are BHAGs that could take a lot of time and energy.

Go even further, Cooper urges. Set what he calls Open Space Goals. Open Space Goals allow room for creativity and growth in many directions.  Open Space Goals allow us to create whole new ways of being. What if your goal moved from becoming a multimillionaire to financial freedom? This would mean that you wouldn't be limited to the pursuit of money; your goal would also include lifestyle choices. You might decide that riches are less important than quality of life. Or you might want both. Helping the victims of Katrina might grow into finding ways to sustain residents in safe housing in storm-prone areas throughout the world.

Cooper's model makes me think harder about how far I can stretch. What if we all thought and worked as if there were no limits?

Practicing What You Teach

Yesterday, I attended the inaugural meeting for the coming-soon Center for Coaching Excellence at Teachers College, Columbia University. As the discussion progressed, I had a renewed appreciation of the importance of a grounding in emotional intelligence for the skilled coach. As part of the introductions, each member of the group told how they were connected to others in the room, and most of those connections linked back to an experience with emotional intelligence - using the ECI as the basis of coaching with executives, principals and graduate students, teaching courses on emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence and conflict resolution - the list went on.

Another phenomenon I observed that everyone in the room practiced what they preached. This was a group of genuine, warm, caring individuals. There were no power plays, no showing off, no interrupting or cutting other speakers off. There was a great deal of sharing, a high level of mutual respect, and support for both each other and the emerging program goals.

Contrast this to other meetings or seminars you may have attended. How often does the leader spend too much time engaged in self-aggrandizement? How many power plays have you observed? Have you seen speakers shouted down, drowned out or ignored? Do people make sure others know exactly who they are and what they have done?

It's nice to be in a room full of people practicing what they preach. I'll keep that room in mind as I participate in other meetings and hold that as my personal standard.

Fostering Deep Change

A central concern of coaching is deep change at the individual level. In the past two years, theory-builders have begun to explore the natural fit between coaching and transformative learning. One question that interests me is how transformative learning theory informs deep change in personal coaching.

Although coaches come from diverse backgrounds and preparation and have equally diverse practices, as the field grows as a profession, there are common theories that guide our practice. The roots of coaching can be found in many fields, including education, psychology, religion, and eastern philosophy.  The emphasis on the need for deep change to ensure deep and long-lasting suggests a strong link between coaching and cognitive and behavioral theories within psychology and transformative learning theory in education.  Coaching links cognitive psychology with behavioral theories, as the client’s cognitive restructuring is demonstrated in lasting behavioral changes. 

The goal of the coach is to guide the client through a process changing old habits of mind to new beliefs that create a supportive environment for life-enriching change. Given this focus on deep change, the nature of the coaching relationship can be seen as a form of transformative learning.

The steps involved in transformative learning, as originally conceptualized by  Jack Mezirow (1975), closely parallel the coaching process.  They are:

experiencing a disorienting dilemma;

undergoing self-examination;

conducting a critical assessment of role assumptions …;

recognizing that one’s problem is shared;

exploring options for new ways of acting;

building competence and self-confidence in new roles.

What does this mean in practical terms? 

Coaching for deep change is most likely to be possible when the client is experiencing sufficient discomfort to be willing to deal with the additional pain of examining what they are thinking and doing that is leading to an unsatisfactory result. 

Clients must be helped to understand that their problem is not unique to them - it's this acceptance that allows room for solutions. 

The coach works with the client to develop as many explanations or interpretations of the situation as possible and then to generate a number of alternative ways of believing and acting.

The coach provides a safe environment to practice new behaviors before encouraging the client to try out these behaviors.

The coach creates a supportive environment and provides feedback to help the client integrate the new behavior.

The client reports back and receives ongoing support until the new behavior is integrated into their repertoire.

Thinking and doing - cognitive theory and behavioral theory - the roots of transformative coaching.

Don't Put On a Happy Face

O.K. - you may not get the Dick Van Dyke reference.  Go rent Bye-Bye Birdie (Oh- and the link is NOT to Amazon or a video rental store - its's to a plot summary.  If you want the video, go here) and do NOT sing along.  One of the shortcomings of coaching is often the insistence on unrelenting cheerfulness.  You get back what you put out, goes the Attraction mantra.  If you think about having no money, the Universe will reward you with more of the same.

Well, that may well be, but perhaps it doesn't work for everyone all the time.  Our emotions are not that easily managed, and for me, the challenge is encouraging feeling while perhaps discouraging expression.  Huh?  this is the tricky part for coaches.  It is wearing and draining and unproductive to repress feelings.  All the energy that clients put into pushing their feelings down deeper and deeper simply results in lethargy and the sensation of viewing the world through permanently fogged lenses.  Not useful.  But feeling and expressing are very different animals. 

Everyone needs a stop - check - act mechanism that kicks in to prevent us from acting on every single feeling we have.  There is a necessary moment of choice that keeps society on an even keel.  What am I feeling?  How might I act on that feeling?  Which action do I choose?  That's what healthy emotion-processing looks like.

Back to happy.  Many coaches seem to feel that this is the default emotion and it is the duty of every coach to return the machine to the default setting as quickly as possible.  What do the negative feelings have to teach us?  What happens when we get selective about what we express and what we suppress?  People have a right to their misery as well as their joy.

A fellow coach, Natalie,  shared a message with me from an Abraham-Hicks tape.  Esther Hicks says something along the lines of this: When you feel despair, then go to the next thought - despair - and then the next - despair - and the next - despair - and the next - anger.  In other words, each new thought moves you along the continuum towards letting go of the negative feeling while acknowledging it and honoring its existence.

So, be sad or angry or bitchy if that's what it takes right now.  Wallow as indicated.

Insert happy face at your own risk.